I had my first workshop on Saturday. And it was F*CKING AWESOME. I haven't posted any sort of follow-up yet because it's one of those things that feels so precious and sacred and was so truly magnificent, that words can't even seem to touch it. Like not even a little bit. So all I'm going to say is that the love, courage, vulnerability, honesty, openness, support, humility, compassion, laughter and joy that filled my apartment on Saturday was unlike anything I could have even known to hope for, and I will cherish it for the rest of my life.
It got me thinking about how I even got here in the first place. I came out of hiding on April 5th with Barenaked Jamie. I was in a tough place, feeling all sorts of feels about all sorts of things, but I stepped out of the shadows and I came clean. Step 1: Wake up/speak up. Shame doesn't like to be spoken because it can't compete with the truth. Truth is shame’s Kryptonite; I just forget that sometimes. I won't go on my secrets rampage again, but that which we hide we unconsciously feed, and it grows bigger and stronger, leaving little to no room for all the good stuff. I won’t say it happened immediately, but within hours of speaking my truth, joy and gratitude came flooding in. I know I probably sound like a broken record, but I have to remind myself, too. It might be one of the most valuable lessons of my life.
So anyway, about a month and a half ago was the day I broke up my Jamie pity party and decided to handle my sh*t. Step 2: Take responsibility. Am I going to sit here dwelling on what I don't have, or am I going to start putting my energy into what I can have? So what the hell do I want anyway?
I work for three different healers/coaches, and while it is one of the greatest blessings in my life, it can also be difficult sometimes to feel like I have my own voice. My direct impact can feel limited as most of my work is done behind the scenes, so sometimes it feels as though I don’t have my own “professional” identity. I think that’s why I love writing so much; it gives me an opportunity to touch the lives of others in my own unique way. Yet even still, I was finding myself yearning to—and perhaps ready to—use my voice and gifts in new and challenging ways. But how?
I started working a lot with self-confidence. It's not that I didn't know what I wanted to do; it's just that I didn't quite have the confidence to believe that I could do it. I tend to put my teachers and mentors on pedestals, seeing them as different from me, as something so incredible that I'm just not quite cut out for—at least not now, but maybe someday. People always say that we can only see in others that which we carry within ourselves, and I believe that, it’s just hardest for me to apply to myself.
So how do I build confidence? By doing things that scare me, little by little. I can't remember if I read this somewhere or heard someone say it, but the idea is basically that courage doesn't come easily and it doesn't come full-force right away. It's all about baby steps. We take one small courageous action, walking through fear and coming out on the other side feeling pretty damn good. And the next time, we take a bigger action, requiring a little more courage, walking through a bit more fear, and we survive again. And we feel even better. And so on.
I wouldn't say this if I didn't personally experience it, but it almost doesn't even matter what the outcome is—like for reals. The walking through fear part is the deal. It feels awesome and regardless of what happens, it’s the courage piece that matters. So essentially, we always win. You get me? And it's really just icing on the courage cupcake if we get our desired outcome (or an even better one for that matter). So Step 3: Do some sh*t that scares you.
For me, “some sh*t” #1 was starting a Facebook page for my blog. That was scary as all hell for me when I did it, but I f*cking did it! (Cupcake!) And some people liked my page! (Icing!) So then I made my first video. And then I made another. And it was fun. And I got playful. And it got less scary. (Cupcake!) And people seemed to enjoy them. (Icing!) And I was no longer afraid. So what next? Time to up my game. Step 4: Up your game.
I told my life coach/Spirit Mama that I wanted to start offering some of my own services. She pretty much said, OK so do it. She said to write out what I would offer in my dream world, ready right now or not, just imagine. So I did. And I showed it to her. She pointed out a few services that she thought I was fo’ sho’ ready for and said to go for it. The very last thing that fear wants is to lose its biggest excuse, and getting the green light from Wise Woman Spirit Mama Master Teacher was no joke. F*CK. So after I freaked out and had a little mini meltdown, I said YES. I didn't quite know what that meant exactly, but energetically I accepted the challenge.
Later that week, as if by an earthquake, I was abruptly woken in the night with a FLOOD of inspiration and the very teachings that became my first workshop. My sleepy self wanted to ignore it and go back to sleep, but I remembered my YES, grabbed my phone and ferociously typed out the entire workshop in the middle of the night. And so was born: My Body, My Hero.
But now what? Don't think, just do. Step 5: Accountability. I told my coach and then busted out my courage board and wrote down that I would pick a date for the workshop by the end of that week. And within 48 hours, I had picked a date, created the invite, sent it out via email and Facebook, and made a video for it to boot! BOOM.
When no one signed up right away, I kept on keepin' on—against my ego’s pushy advice, mind you. (Cupcake!) I had some more fun with Facebook and didn't let myself take it too seriously. And sure enough once I let go of the reigns, the RSVPs started coming in. (Icing!) It's funny how that works. And I swear, had no one signed up to come at all, I grew so much in the process alone that it still would have been the greatest teacher. I truly mean that, and I almost can't even believe that I’m saying it.
So there I was, the morning of my workshop waiting for my guests to arrive. This was the big dog, the moment of truth. Step 6: Have a little faith. The best piece of advice I've ever received is that when you're worrying about being a good teacher (coach/leader/whatever), that's when you're not being a good one. So I vowed to myself and to God that morning that I would speak from my heart and let go of my ego, with my sole intention to be of service to the group by staying out of my big, fat head (and I say that with love, head). And it was one of the most incredible experiences of my life.
Step 7: Gratitude. This is really a step within all the steps, but I am always giving thanks for inspiration, courage, confidence—everything—because man oh man, what a gift. Gratitude to myself for saying YES and for being a courageous badass, and gratitude to Spirit for speaking through me and having my back along the way. So many thank yous. All the damn time.
And now today, less than six weeks after my shame coming out party, I am working on my new coaching website. Boom mutha f*ckin' BOOM. Because this train ain't stoppin'. Step 8: (I think we're on step 8? I’m lost. Whatever.) KEEP ON GOING. It's not to say that what we’ve already done isn't enough, but I am a firm believer that when we stretch we grow, and when we grow we feel really, really good.
It wasn't about the Facebook page and it's not about the workshop; it's about starting somewhere and moving our own needle. Little by little, one small act of courage after the other—like dominos. What’s your own personal “Facebook page” fear or “workshop” worry? If it's true that our life unfolds in proportion to our courage, which I believe it does, there is no way in hell that I am stopping now. And I hope you don't either.
But before I go, let us not forget the last and most important step! Step Whatever: CELEBRATE! It may have been a party of one, but this girl, pictured below just moments after the last guest left, celebrated the sh*t out of her very first workshop—and the courage it took to get there. I mean look at that face. Completely ridiculous and full of goddamn JOY. She sure as sh*t doesn't look scared to me.
A very special shout out to each one of the remarkable women who showed up on Saturday—I LOVE YOU MADLY and you have inspired me beyond words. Thank you for bringing your whole heart that day.
The Domino Effect
